That Weird Feeling and a Blog

I get this weird feeling when something isn’t right. When I was little, I would get this feeling when I felt uncomfortable around strangers or when I lied to my parents. It would make my stomach feel weird, hence, “the weird feeling.” I guess people call it a “gut feeling,” Christians call it “The Holy Spirit,” all the above apply to me in this situation.

I still had that weird feeling. I kept shoving this one nagging thought to the back of my mind. But I ignored it since it would mean I wasted time and effort. Not only that, it would require MORE time and effort. And I don’t like wasting my time.

I wrote an essay during my freshman year of high school on how the media distorts our perception of beauty. I would say that’s where it started. That was my favorite essay to write in high school. Since then my writing skills have improved, thankfully. But throw in a few more years of life experience coupled with recovering from multiple eating disorders and I’m back at it again.

My former style blog, Let’s Look Presentable, an Everyday Style Blog for Self-Confidence, was intended to break the mold of typical style bloggers. I had an on-going document on my computer with ideas for blog posts for Let’s Look Presentable. I guess I should have gotten the hint. I had pages and pages of ideas on eating disorder encouragement and insights on being a real woman in a superficial world. While under “Style and Beauty,” I had little to no ideas. But I was trapped into being a “Style blog.” I was trapping myself into a mindset that gave me the weird feeling. I would look at other style blogs to figure out what I needed to post on my Instagram and on my blog. It was mostly selfies and individual shots. I still took my fair share of selfies and had my husband take some outfit pictures, but I didn’t enjoy it. I felt it was something that came with the territory of style blogging and I would just have to deal with it. One Sunday, I was putting together a style blog post, but was completely unmotivated to do so. That weird feeling was incredibly strong. I shared my thoughts with Ben. In his “I’m-a-man-I-must-fix-this-problem” mindset, he says, “Why don’t you create a different blog?”

You know that feeling when you just heard truth, but don’t want to admit it because it would mean you have to do more work than you want to and you don’t have time right now because you’re busy but in reality you would feel so much more at peace if you just started fresh? (intentional run-on sentence) I’m sure you don’t have the EXACT same feeling, but I think you can catch my drift.

I enjoy putting my thoughts into words (as best as I can). I feel that I didn’t have anything unique or creative to add to the style/beauty blogger world. However, God gave me a unique eating disorder recovery experience and a unique brain that doesn’t seem to turn off. Therefore, I may be quiet, but I do a lot of thinking. I feel I DO have something unique and creative to contribute to the Internet world: Authenticity. A rare commodity in a superficial world.

Nursing school was emotionally and mentally exhausting. I barely had enough energy to study and complete my clinical paperwork, let alone write down my thoughts. But now that my mind is freed up, I like putting my emotional energy into writing. I get exhausted from being around people, but I get energized from being alone.

I just wanted to write. I didn’t want to have photo shoots, edit pictures, and then come up with some superficial post on how much I like a shirt. I’m more passionate about real topics that matter. I like bringing to light the emotional and mental struggles that accompany day-to-day life. I enjoy talking about my eating disorder recovery journey and addressing women’s self-esteem issues. I still enjoy researching styles and trying new beauty products; maybe they will make an occasional appearance on this blog. I even thought of starting a Youtube channel, but I’m quite awkward whenever I see a recording button flash. Awkward is good. And maybe one day I will awkwardly film some videos. But for now, I free myself from selfies and style posts. I will do what I have learned makes me happy. I will enjoy quietness with my Macbook letting my fingers fly on the keyboard as they attempt to keep up with my brain.

Let’s Look Presentable was necessary. I learned what I like and what I don’t like about blogging. Overall, style blogging wasn’t completely me. In the spirit of staying true to myself and being as genuine as I can in the internet world, I needed to change my title and my purpose. I needed a fresh start.

Hence, “Hungry for Authenticity.”

In eating disorder counseling they say, “Don’t compare your B-reel to
someone’s A-reel.” More likely than not, social media will portray
someone’s best (their “A-reel”), therefore, we look at pictures and
videos and see someone’s best side and compare it to all our own fears
and insecurities. We don’t see the twenty or so pictures they deleted
before choosing that one picture to post. We see someone that is more
pretty, more fit, more put-together, etc. Naturally, women compare
themselves to each other. What if, just what if, instead we were
completely honest. Like “Hey, I have these insecurities and you have
those insecurities. Let’s be genuine and real with each other for a
second and actually talk about these insecurities versus putting our
best foot forward.” I have come to a point where I enjoy revealing to
others that I struggled with an eating disorder. It surprises people!
Why would someone willingly reveal such a dirty, little secret? I
struggled with the seeming “perfect” image I liked to portray. Now, I
say, “Hey, I’m a real woman, I struggle every day with body-image. I
struggled with an eating disorder for a good chunk of my adolescent and
young adult life, let’s be real friends.”

I’m not here in the internet world to just show my A-reel. I struggle with self-esteem and I know other women do too. I want to make taboo topics an actual conversation. I want to show my  A-reel, B-reel, C-reel and even D-reel. Because that’s life. We go up and down, we have good days and bad days, stressful times, and happy times. I struggle with anxiousness and to-do lists, I struggle with not having enough time in the day to get everything done, but secretly wishing I had the peace to just sit and relax. I’ve gone through periods of depression, I’ve struggled with social anxiety, I struggle with getting myself out of the house everyday. I struggle with being selfish. Life is real and life is hard. Why don’t we join each other and encourage each other together? Let’s do this in place of playing the comparison game which only fuels our self-esteem issues. What if I introduced myself, “Hi I’m Megan. I’m not super skinny, I’m not super fat, I’m just average. I fit into some clothes, I don’t fit into others. I like experimenting with make-up, but I’m not the best at it. I teach exercise classes because I enjoy moving my body and I don’t care about getting bulky. I sometimes eat ice cream for dinner because I feel like it. I struggle daily with self-esteem and anxiety, but every day I fight to be more confident and at peace in who I am. I love Jesus and am actively trying to be a diligent student of the scriptures. My ideal night is being home, curled up in a blanket next to Ben watching Netflix. I struggled with every type of eating disorder, but I’ve overcome. What’s your name?

Version 2



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